I'm 28 and think I have reached a point where I have to just stop and start all over again. I have made such a mess of my life.
Been married for 7 years and I realise I really do not want to be married to this guy anymore. I am miserable. He is miserable. Why can't we just end it? What do we do with the house and mortgage? The stuff in the house? Our families? I am closer to his family than my own.
We are members of the mormon church (LDS) and it takes up all our time and money and energy so there is nothing left for us at the end. Honestly, we are out (not together) several nights a week plus sundays for church stuff and it is too much. He donates hundreds of pounds a month in tithing to the church yet we are in debt and struggling to pay things on time. If I try and talk about it with him, it turns into an argument.
I live a double life, I have the occasional coffee or glass of wine and if he found out, there would be big trouble as this is 'illigal' in the church. He wouldn't be able to accept me if he knew this. He is already devastated that I don't pay tithing (10% of your gross income to the church) or wear garments (sacred mormon underwear) and is worried other people will find out at church. He really cares more about what other people will think than what I feel.
I realise that I am just as much to blame. When we got married, I did do all the above things and I went to church willingly. Then I researched the church and found it based on lies and make-believe so I have changed, I am not the same person I as 7 years ago. But is it wrong for me to want someone to love me for ME not me if I am a good mormon girl? I am really struggling and have felt like this for 5 or 6 years, only told him last year though.
To complicate matters more, I have been seeing another man for the last 3 years. He was my boss at the time it started and is 7 years older than me, also married and has kids. He has told me that he loves me, and I love him too but he has also said he will never leave his wife and kids, that is not an option so I know what we have is not permanent and will never be anything more and I am fine with that. I know his relationship with his wife is not good and wasn't long before I becmae involved with him I know I am trying to justify what I am doing, and failing!). To be honest, I think I want to leave my husband, get a place of my own to rent and live ALONE. Have this guy I am seeing come around occasionally and enjoy that and then enjoy being ALONE, in MY OWN SPACE, being MY OWN SELF. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being totally selfish? I just feel so confused. Maybe I need to leave them both arrrgh, I am so crap at this.!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
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4 comments:
Leave him!! I just found out my best friend from high school got into that nonsense. I am so sad for her! Smart and beautiful, and this is how she ends up? Life is much better out in the "real world". Good luck to you, here's hoping my friend does the same.
GROW UP.
Stop blaming your husband, or your church. YOU are an adult, and need to act like one.
Your Church puts personal accountability, and Freedom of Choice, above all else, yet you blame it, and your husband, for your unhappiness.
You are a cheater. Is that someone else's fault as well?
You owe your husband the truth. ANd then grow up, figure out what/who you are, without blaming others. It's not about tithing and underwear, it's about personal integrity, which you clearly lack.
You are right.....and wrong...and right. I do need to sort this out but I don't know how. I accepted I am as much to blame in my initial post but so is my husband and my church. Neither will accept me if I drink coffee or a glass of wine. If I don't wear their underwear. I am made to feel less than substandard if I don't follow the commandments. I want to spend time with my husband but that is not an option in this church. Callings come first. You state that my church puts freedom of choice above all else which on paper is true. But if you scratch the surface, you will find this comes with a heavy price, not just in money terms.
I am a cheater, I admit that. And I hate it, thats why I searched for somewhere to vent, yell, scream, seek for guidance. Maybe you are right and I do lack integrity, but I can't please everyone can I, least of all you or myself. God will judge me when he chooses to, so you really don't need to do it for him. It's no-one else's fault but mine that I am cheating, I made that decision and continue to do so, I wholly accept that I am responsible for my actions and whatever the consequences will be. But I didn't go out looking for it. I have a husband more in love with the bishop and the church than me, who gives all our money away so that our mortgage payments bounce and I struggle to find funds to buy enough petrol for our car and food for our table. I was lonely and worried and scared and found someone else who offered me some comfort. I am not saying it is right what I am doing.
Grow up...it would be better for my husband if I died. He would prefer that I think sometimes. No mess, no scandel at church. No disappointent to his LDS family and friends. Plus several insurance payouts to clear our debt and help fund the church somemore. That is how hopeless this feels. I don't want to hurt him, he deserves to be happy with someone else who will treat him right and be the wife he wants. Thanks for your comments anyway, they have given me much to consider.
you are a beautiful, intelligent being who is trapped in a glass case. if you have no children then my advice would be to look upwards and fly free! Yes it will be frightening and yes you will make mistakes - but all I think God asks of you is to Love yourself in order to spread Love and share love. Enjoy His abundance and set yourself - and the others that are bound to you - free to enjoy the miracles of being on this Earth in this moment. You can do this. You owe it to yourself and all around you to be truthful.
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