I'm miserable. I lay awake wondering why you don't love me. Or maybe at this point I don't love you. I don't know. Does it even matter?

I pretend like I'm unsure about having kids, but the truth is I'm just unsure about having kids with YOU. I don't know if I want to be tied to you permanently. I don't think you'd be a good father. I wonder if you'd be as mean to them as you are to me. I wonder if you'd love them. I've resumed myself to living this unhappy life; it wouldn't be fair to bring kids into it no matter how much I want to be a mom.