Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Think I need to leave my husband and my lover
I'm 28 and think I have reached a point where I have to just stop and start all over again. I have made such a mess of my life.
Been married for 7 years and I realise I really do not want to be married to this guy anymore. I am miserable. He is miserable. Why can't we just end it? What do we do with the house and mortgage? The stuff in the house? Our families? I am closer to his family than my own.
We are members of the mormon church (LDS) and it takes up all our time and money and energy so there is nothing left for us at the end. Honestly, we are out (not together) several nights a week plus sundays for church stuff and it is too much. He donates hundreds of pounds a month in tithing to the church yet we are in debt and struggling to pay things on time. If I try and talk about it with him, it turns into an argument.
I live a double life, I have the occasional coffee or glass of wine and if he found out, there would be big trouble as this is 'illigal' in the church. He wouldn't be able to accept me if he knew this. He is already devastated that I don't pay tithing (10% of your gross income to the church) or wear garments (sacred mormon underwear) and is worried other people will find out at church. He really cares more about what other people will think than what I feel.
I realise that I am just as much to blame. When we got married, I did do all the above things and I went to church willingly. Then I researched the church and found it based on lies and make-believe so I have changed, I am not the same person I as 7 years ago. But is it wrong for me to want someone to love me for ME not me if I am a good mormon girl? I am really struggling and have felt like this for 5 or 6 years, only told him last year though.
To complicate matters more, I have been seeing another man for the last 3 years. He was my boss at the time it started and is 7 years older than me, also married and has kids. He has told me that he loves me, and I love him too but he has also said he will never leave his wife and kids, that is not an option so I know what we have is not permanent and will never be anything more and I am fine with that. I know his relationship with his wife is not good and wasn't long before I becmae involved with him I know I am trying to justify what I am doing, and failing!). To be honest, I think I want to leave my husband, get a place of my own to rent and live ALONE. Have this guy I am seeing come around occasionally and enjoy that and then enjoy being ALONE, in MY OWN SPACE, being MY OWN SELF. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being totally selfish? I just feel so confused. Maybe I need to leave them both arrrgh, I am so crap at this.!!!!!!
Been married for 7 years and I realise I really do not want to be married to this guy anymore. I am miserable. He is miserable. Why can't we just end it? What do we do with the house and mortgage? The stuff in the house? Our families? I am closer to his family than my own.
We are members of the mormon church (LDS) and it takes up all our time and money and energy so there is nothing left for us at the end. Honestly, we are out (not together) several nights a week plus sundays for church stuff and it is too much. He donates hundreds of pounds a month in tithing to the church yet we are in debt and struggling to pay things on time. If I try and talk about it with him, it turns into an argument.
I live a double life, I have the occasional coffee or glass of wine and if he found out, there would be big trouble as this is 'illigal' in the church. He wouldn't be able to accept me if he knew this. He is already devastated that I don't pay tithing (10% of your gross income to the church) or wear garments (sacred mormon underwear) and is worried other people will find out at church. He really cares more about what other people will think than what I feel.
I realise that I am just as much to blame. When we got married, I did do all the above things and I went to church willingly. Then I researched the church and found it based on lies and make-believe so I have changed, I am not the same person I as 7 years ago. But is it wrong for me to want someone to love me for ME not me if I am a good mormon girl? I am really struggling and have felt like this for 5 or 6 years, only told him last year though.
To complicate matters more, I have been seeing another man for the last 3 years. He was my boss at the time it started and is 7 years older than me, also married and has kids. He has told me that he loves me, and I love him too but he has also said he will never leave his wife and kids, that is not an option so I know what we have is not permanent and will never be anything more and I am fine with that. I know his relationship with his wife is not good and wasn't long before I becmae involved with him I know I am trying to justify what I am doing, and failing!). To be honest, I think I want to leave my husband, get a place of my own to rent and live ALONE. Have this guy I am seeing come around occasionally and enjoy that and then enjoy being ALONE, in MY OWN SPACE, being MY OWN SELF. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being totally selfish? I just feel so confused. Maybe I need to leave them both arrrgh, I am so crap at this.!!!!!!
Monday, May 11, 2009
blah blah life.
I'm writting this from my iPod , so it will be short.
I feel ......empty , school will start tomorrow for me, well actually today , since it is midnight.
I even haven't got a clue of why I'm writting this.
But I am, and I want to say that I feel empty, thus last days I've been like a hermit, one with iPods, laptops and tv's,
I spent this day online, mostly neglecting my duties, just reading and stuff, and I saw. All the avatar episodes >.> why ??
A friend told me to buy the DVD's for her, well she didn't but I was curious she is or was at least 3 days ago obsessed with it.
so I finished watching all, read some anime fanfics and avatar ones, and went to "sleep" well of. Course not since I'm writting this, in the begining of this post I said I felt empty wich I do not anymore, but I know that as soon as I stop writting I will feel empty again. Why??
I still dont know . MAybe cause I'll see someone tomorrow I dont want to see, maybe cause I won't be able to be in my fantasy world anymore tomorrow, cause seriously I dont like real life , I being the coward that I am, I hide from it with books and fantasy worlds.
All happy or at least semi-happy (the ones I see) and I realize my life will never be like that, seriously it's fiction, and if one seems like my life, all I'm missing are powers or excitment in my life.
That is all, I feel better I hope I can deal with life better now ( yea right)
oh and I suck in shogi > . >
I feel ......empty , school will start tomorrow for me, well actually today , since it is midnight.
I even haven't got a clue of why I'm writting this.
But I am, and I want to say that I feel empty, thus last days I've been like a hermit, one with iPods, laptops and tv's,
I spent this day online, mostly neglecting my duties, just reading and stuff, and I saw. All the avatar episodes >.> why ??
A friend told me to buy the DVD's for her, well she didn't but I was curious she is or was at least 3 days ago obsessed with it.
so I finished watching all, read some anime fanfics and avatar ones, and went to "sleep" well of. Course not since I'm writting this, in the begining of this post I said I felt empty wich I do not anymore, but I know that as soon as I stop writting I will feel empty again. Why??
I still dont know . MAybe cause I'll see someone tomorrow I dont want to see, maybe cause I won't be able to be in my fantasy world anymore tomorrow, cause seriously I dont like real life , I being the coward that I am, I hide from it with books and fantasy worlds.
All happy or at least semi-happy (the ones I see) and I realize my life will never be like that, seriously it's fiction, and if one seems like my life, all I'm missing are powers or excitment in my life.
That is all, I feel better I hope I can deal with life better now ( yea right)
oh and I suck in shogi > . >
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