trying to balance

I'm trying to balance on the line of wrong and right, trying to not be judgemental but to save my own sanity. My husband of ten years admitted he had been cruising for hookers. He admitted it after I forced him to tell me. There have been big moves in our lives recently - we bought a place in a new town and he commutes to be with us on weekends while he wraps things up in the city. I know this is no excuse. I was shocked to learn of his infidelity and worse, his disrespect - although I do understand that sometimes it is not all about me. He felt it necessary to tell me that he wasn't physicall yable to go through with the act, that he felt ashamed and sad, that he realised that he wasn't dis-connected. I love him dearly - we have been together for half my life, and have survived many upheavals, but I can't help wondering why it is that he chose to do this? We have small kids and will be connected forever anyway, but a part of me says leave him and another says help him to grow - help us to grow. I am afraid and feeling vulnerable and angry - I don't want the whole co-dependancy thing - but I know he will find it difficult to talk about his feelings, he is just that way. I don't want to pretend that things have never happened - I want to heal and grow - but perhaps this is really about me hanging on? It's a comfortable place to be - in amarriage with kids and a house and two cars in the drive...I don't even want to think of him with anyone else, let alone imagine how it could work out for our kids. I have been holding everything together for a year now, and just before he is supposed to move in with us, this happens. Where did I go wrong?

My Heart

I think I'm falling in love with you. How is this possible when I feel like I've barely scratched the surface in getting to know you. I wanna go slow so why doesn't my heart understand. I can't help but think its me missing a little human contact and not love. Everything is so jaded.

Grey Mist

Grey Mist. Grey is my favourite colour. It is also my curse. It seeps in under the door, through the cracks in the floorboards, it rises until all I can see is a monochrome grey floating around me. It is beautiful. I have seen all possible variations: green grey, grey with specks of brown and red, a grey-blueish hue and so on. It's wonder and subtle variations in stark contrast with my myopic torpor.

The mist has been lingering since I was 15, I am now 21. All I can do is stare in wonder at it. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't rest, I can't act, all I can do is float in differing shades of grey. The complementary colours of my daily urban landscape mix, blur ineluctably into warm greys, slate greys and dimgreys.

There is nothing I can do to stop this. I have existential heartburn wallowing in this grey mist (for want of a better metaphor). I have reached a point of saturation where I cannot act to change this. I cannot see any future, I am drugged up to the eyeballs, all I can hope is that one day it will lift.

I don't care

You working 90 hours a week has RUINED our relationship. You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? I think that's probably true, for a little while. Beyond that, though....I've just stopped caring. I don't care if I see you. I don't care if we have sex. I don't care if you come home. I don't feel married. I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship. I loved you. I love you? I don't even know anymore. How can you love someone that you have no connection with any longer? That you don't even know? I don't know if we can ever recover from this. I absolutely do not want to bring a child in this, and I have always wanted kids more than anything. I'd be a single mom.

I don't know what to do. I need to tell you this. You should know how I'm feeling. But I know how these conversations go....we just fight.

I want you to care. I want to see you. I want you to make as much time for me as you do for work. For golf. For your friends. I want this to work. I always loved you....I want to love you again.

I found the birthday present you gave me. I can't believe you got it for me....it's amazing. It's perfect. I can't wait to wear it every single day. I hope you love what I'm planning for you just as much! I need to go practice my surprised face. :-)

I'm going to ask her to marry me tomorrow. I can't wait.

Think I need to leave my husband and my lover

I'm 28 and think I have reached a point where I have to just stop and start all over again. I have made such a mess of my life.
Been married for 7 years and I realise I really do not want to be married to this guy anymore. I am miserable. He is miserable. Why can't we just end it? What do we do with the house and mortgage? The stuff in the house? Our families? I am closer to his family than my own.
We are members of the mormon church (LDS) and it takes up all our time and money and energy so there is nothing left for us at the end. Honestly, we are out (not together) several nights a week plus sundays for church stuff and it is too much. He donates hundreds of pounds a month in tithing to the church yet we are in debt and struggling to pay things on time. If I try and talk about it with him, it turns into an argument.
I live a double life, I have the occasional coffee or glass of wine and if he found out, there would be big trouble as this is 'illigal' in the church. He wouldn't be able to accept me if he knew this. He is already devastated that I don't pay tithing (10% of your gross income to the church) or wear garments (sacred mormon underwear) and is worried other people will find out at church. He really cares more about what other people will think than what I feel.
I realise that I am just as much to blame. When we got married, I did do all the above things and I went to church willingly. Then I researched the church and found it based on lies and make-believe so I have changed, I am not the same person I as 7 years ago. But is it wrong for me to want someone to love me for ME not me if I am a good mormon girl? I am really struggling and have felt like this for 5 or 6 years, only told him last year though.
To complicate matters more, I have been seeing another man for the last 3 years. He was my boss at the time it started and is 7 years older than me, also married and has kids. He has told me that he loves me, and I love him too but he has also said he will never leave his wife and kids, that is not an option so I know what we have is not permanent and will never be anything more and I am fine with that. I know his relationship with his wife is not good and wasn't long before I becmae involved with him I know I am trying to justify what I am doing, and failing!). To be honest, I think I want to leave my husband, get a place of my own to rent and live ALONE. Have this guy I am seeing come around occasionally and enjoy that and then enjoy being ALONE, in MY OWN SPACE, being MY OWN SELF. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being totally selfish? I just feel so confused. Maybe I need to leave them both arrrgh, I am so crap at this.!!!!!!